A number of years ago Wayne and I decided to have family pictures done every 5 years - marking our milestone anniversaries.  Well this month marks the passing of another 5 years, and our 25th Anniversary. I went back and forth on the idea if the kids and I should still do these pictures this year - I wanted to honor our initial decision, to still acknowledge our family, yet I was afraid what others would think.  My love for Wayne is exactly what made me decide to go ahead with the pictures.  Even though he is not physically with us, we are still a family and he is just as much a part of us now.  As the title of this blog we chose together when we started this journey says - 'This is Us Now'

 Which brings me to the reason I am writing this last blog post.  I have started this final post many times over the last number of months, but just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I wanted to bring closure, but most of all to thank everyone for all their love and support - walking this journey with us these past years.  But these posts were something we did together.  As much as they were for everyone else - to keep people involved and connected with our journey, they turned out to be for us too - to allow us to work through the events, to see things in a different light,  to be thankful for still having a 'journey' together to write about.  So as you can imagine, sitting here alone to write one last post, is not an easy thing to do.  Over the last number of weeks though, I have had several 'nudges' to do this.  Talking with people, and how they were thankful for the updates - the connection, our faith ; explaining to others why we did them and how they helped us as well, and then sitting at our dear nieces wedding and listening to the message referencing  'this is us'.  Yep, I have put it off long enough, saying one day I'll be up for it. . .

 So, This is us now. I will not pretend. I wish with every fiber of my being that this was not us. There are still so many times with tears, and fear, and that crushing feeling in the chest. There are so many unknowns, questions never to be answered. But all that cannot be the last word, or death has had the victory. Never, through all the 2 years and 3 months, did we allow the cancer / the treatments/ the prognosis to keep us under its cold grip. We had our moments for sure - but generally we would have them individually and the other would lift us back up. It was in our nature - to try and stay positive, still enjoy our moments, to be strong - and when one of us wasn't able, the other would stand for both of us. [ I know this is also the reason why I struggle now, that rhythm of support and strength as husband and wife is broken, I don't know how to do 'hard days' without him. ] . . .But the 'us now' has to find a way to still stand - united with each other and our Lord. Still with Faith of our Salvation, Hope for the New Day, and so much Love.

One of the hardest things to realize after such a huge loss is that the world does go on.  Why isn't everyone stopping what they're doing, why are people still smiling, don't they know how much I hurt - maybe I should be wearing a sign.  But that wouldn't help - the rhythm of life must go on, and we'll join in as we are able - maybe not every day, but that's ok too.  Without dragging on with details, know that our children are busy with their own details of everyday life.  Striving hard to continue on with their goals, but with the ever present absence of their Dad.  Everything so different now for us, and yet familiar - just with a gaping hole, an open wound that will one day be a scar, but always there.   I am starting to realize that in this wound is who we are  - This is us now.  It is a part of us, and if you really want to know us you have to see and feel the wound as well.  But more than that, I pray that when you see me, when you come in our home, when you see our children , you will know that the hole is there, but triumphing over it you will feel love.  Love from an amazing husband and father, love that was shared, and still here;  mirrored in our children, felt in our home, and forever a part of my being. 

Which brings me to today, our 25th Anniversary.  It was going to be quite the celebration, we had talked about it often and I had even convinced Wayne that we should get Pastor Kevin back and renew our vows.  This is a much different looking day, but still one filled with so much love.  A day spent with our children, lots of reminiscing, beautiful notes and messages from so many - memories of that amazing day 25 years ago, but more than that - memories of 25 years of love.  As I think back, Wayne did 'renew' his vows to me - so many times, in so many ways - "I would do it all over again with you "     . . .   Happy Anniversary my love, till we 'meet on that beautiful shore'

So much love . . .

We are blessed beyond measure to have been given the gift of so much love from him, but because of that we have such an overwhelming void now.  He had so much love for us,  but that made it too hard for him to leave this life we had.  We often were told by others, that his strength and determination to continue to fight was a testament of his profound love for us.  So much love.

He was my rock, my strength, my reason for each day.  People would say I was so strong for caring for him, doing everything for him and our children - I was strong because of him.
So many amazing memories together, simple pleasures of time together - now mourning so greatly the loss of more time.  Longing to be in his arms again.  So much love.

He was an incredibly caring and strong father to our children - leading by example, modeling his faith.  He was so very proud of each of them and told them often.  He loved them each in  their unique way, and celebrated their individual qualities and  strengths.  He loved to see them doing what they love, and wanted so much to be here for more of their future.  So much love.

I don't want to think of what's next, so we focus on the now.  This is us now - crying often, but smiling and laughing too.  Remembering so much love.
Knowing we are held up in thoughts and prayers of so very many people.  Seeing so many lives that Wayne has touched - overwhelmed by the numbers at the visitations and funeral.  So much love.
And most importantly, standing firmly in our faith, that our heavenly Father is holding us up when we can no longer stand.  So much love.

Can you believe this has been two years ago already - in some ways it feels like forever ago, and in other ways, like yesterday [except Brian looks so young here!!]

We want to start by wishing you all a beautiful New Year, filled with love, laughter and wonderful memories.  We have enjoyed seeing/hearing about your holidays together  - your gatherings, trips and holiday fun with young and old.  It is such a blessing to have these special times of year to refocus on those we love and the gifts we have in each other.  While our Christmas was not your picture perfect, stuff of carols or cards or cheesy movies, but we were still together and so very thankful for that!  We even had  'Three Wisemen' at our door Christmas morning [along with a remote 'angel' on speed dial, for guidance and parts!] to fix our water! [water stopped working Christmas eve, not the best timing - but gave us another reminder of how blessed we are to have such caring friends - Thank you Thalen's and Rodney!!]

Unfortunately Wayne has had some decline in his health the past number of weeks.  Recent scans, blood work, and how he has been feeling, all point to progression of the cancer.  We are not going to get into details - [in my professional experience, I often find that people get focused on the details, and the negatives, and not focus on what really matters . . .], but know that he is still 'fighting'!! His pain can sometimes be hard to control, and he is generally quite weak, but we are managing here at home.  I am currently taking some time off work, as this is where I am needed.   Many times over the past two years, this cancer has had the upper hand, and Dr's have questioned what to do next.  While we stand at this crossroad, once again, we know that whatever comes we will face it with faith as our foundation.  

As some of you may know, we had amazing plans to celebrate New Years in Florida this year with all our kids, the girls boyfriends, the other half of our DeBummel family and their extras, and our dear friends, the Vokes family - 19 of us in total!  It was going to be a great time to be together and forget about this other crap for awhile.  Unfortunately, our plans had to change.  We tried, right up to the day we were to leave, to figure a way to get Wayne there and still be able to enjoy this time together, but the decision was taken from us - we could not go.  Yet, even in this, some good can come.  We are so proud of  our children, they decided to still go [as Brian said "I'm not a baby anymore, I can do this!].

It may seem strange that this makes us proud, but they have shown more strength and courage than many people much older.  They know where we put our faith and trust in, they are thankful for every small moment we have together, and most importantly they have never let this horrible reality hold them back.  They have continued their studies, their work, their teams, their interests, their social lives - never using their Dad as an excuse!  This is so very important to Wayne.  When we talk of cancer, it is an evil.  It can do horrible things to the body, but when you let it take over your hope and your will, the evil really has won.  I'm not going to lie, there are times when we feel defeated and hopeless, but we very consciously remind and help each other through those dark times.  We try and focus on the positive, we try and keep up our normal routines and lives as much as possible, we try and keep conversations and interactions upbeat, and we wake each day - thankful for another one and each other.  

As I write this, our gang is traveling home again.  They had a fun week together with everyone, and we had lots of skype time and chats with them too.  We had a nice week, just the two of us as well [again, not movie worthy or anything - although we did watch a lot of movies!!],  but together still.  We pray for safe travels for everyone, we can't wait to see them all again, and hear all the stories [we never get together without great stories!!]  So, thank you to our DeBoer and Vokes family, Bryden and Joe,  for being their with our family, journeying with them on this strange path of life - modeling strength and courage along with them.

2019 has definitely not started as we planned, but has already shown us where and how we should stand  -  together  -  rooted in Faith, Hope and Love.  We thank you for your continued love and support, and we covet your prayers for Strength as we face each day.

Well, it's been awhile again!  But here we are - still together, abundantly thankful for each day.  This is a picture from the trip we took East a few years ago - a reminder of all the yesterdays we can be forever grateful for!!
Thought a post just before Thanksgiving would be completely appropriate, since we can always find something to be thankful for!

The past few months have had there challenges, but with hard days comes abundant appreciation for the good days.  Wayne started a new treatment in London, every 6 weeks. [I should clarify, this is a treatment to try and slow down/ break down the cancer in the bones.  All the treatments they have tried to slow the actual prostate source have been unsuccessful, so no further treatment that way - just trying to treat/control symptoms and further spread] The first couple treatments were very hard on Wayne, but with the addition of a new medication to help control the symptoms, he is tolerating the treatments much better. [A huge thank you to Dr. Huff!!]  There was concern the treatments weren't helping, but after some blood work today, it seems the treatment has started to do what it is supposed to - so he can continue on with them!  We are so thankful for this, the opportunity to still be in some form of treatment is reassuring.

We have been extremely thankful that Wayne has been feeling pretty good the last month.  Mornings and evenings are still slow, but he is able to putter around here during the day - and that helps us all feel a little 'normal'.  We were able to enjoy some outings with our children and friends this summer, and he has been able to make it to make it to church a few times, and even to the arena this fall to watch Brian - more to be thankful for!

This is such a broken world, and we have been reminded of it lately as we have had some others close to us receive difficult diagnosis' and walk hard journeys with their families.  We cry for them and wonder why, just as we can still question our own path.  We don't have the answers, but we do have Faith [another thing to be thankful for, for without it we could not stand].  We move forward each day with Trust and Hope.  We pray for them and for us, and we know when the days come that it is hard to pray - there are others out there praying for us, and we are forever grateful for that.

So thank you all again, for your ongoing love, support and prayers.  Know that we are doing good and be thankful with us for the gift of time.
We wish each and every one of you a wonderful Thanksgiving together.

Take a close look and you will see our families first initials, woven so beautifully together! Our own personal "family crest", created for us by our very talented cousin [plug in here for Amy Burrows and her graphic design business - Innisfree Design]! Hopefully this will one day be crafted out of metal and hanging over our fireplace!

It's been a few months since we've done a blog, and of course there's been some happenings.  In February Wayne's PSA began to climb again, he had all the bone and CT scans repeated the end of March, and back to see the oncologist yesterday for bloodwork and results.  After some delay in getting results, we received the call late yesterday afternoon that his PSA has gone up more, and there is a new area of concern behind the sternum.  Well, I'm not going to lie, that rocked us.  The Dr. is quite concerned, as are we.  She is scheduling him for a biopsy of the new area, as well she has sent in a referral to London for another opinion.  These will hopefully happen this month. 
After processing this last night [shout out here to thank my work family for covering my shift last night - we needed that!], we are pushing forward, trying to hard to stay positive, and praying hard.

Wayne continues to have his good and bad days, but generally has been doing ok.  Mornings are still a little slow, but he is sleeping better [shout out here to essential oils!], we have again tweaked his diet - and he feels good with that.  He is able to putter around here during the day, doing little projects that's he's been wanting to do [even got the stone on our fireplace surround this winter!] Generally we are actually really enjoying our "early retirement" together, and so thankful for the opportunity to have this time with each other and our family. Speaking of which, our children are doing well.  Jessica is pushing through her last semesters at college, hard to believe she will be completely done in August, and will be starting her full time job as an Architectural Technician in September!  Vanessa is finishing up her 2nd semester in her Bachelor of Science in Nursing, and has been enjoying her program - it has been so wonderful to see our girls flourish and enjoy their schooling/career choices.  Vanessa was even hired as a fulltime student nurse for the summer at the hospital here -  an amazing opportunity for her to get some excellent practical experience [and make some money for next year]!  Brian is done hockey and missing that, but has been enjoying a little more free time! He is looking forward to warmer days, atv rides, paint balling, soccer, camping . . .

So here we are again, finding joy and thankfulness in our every day moments  -  just 'being' in each others, and our Heavenly Father's, presence.

We just wanted to put a quick note out letting you all know how things went with the latest CT/ bone scans and blood work.  We know there have been many thoughts and prayers for positive results.  Well, we are happy to report that there were some positives - Wayne's PSA has dropped a little, and his scans all show no further change [the areas of cancer
are still there, but no new sites were seen!].  This was an enormous relief for us, definitely answer to prayers!  The Dr. is still keeping a close eye on things, and will be doing repeat blood work and appointment early February.  In the mean time we will enjoy this little breather!

Thank you all, once again, with love - Wayne and Brenda

     First and foremost we would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas!  May this special time of year be filled with wonderful moments together with those you love.  Cherish each second, and treasure every memory, as the precious gifts that they are!   
We would also like to take this time to thank each and every one of you for helping us through this past year.  Through your love, support and prayers, meals and treats, messages and cards, phone calls and visits, envelopes [and jars!] - we have been held up and sustained throughout this eventful year.

     It seems hard to believe that it was just a year ago that our world was turned upside down - so much has happened and changed this year, it feels like forever ago!  Yet it is now almost a year later, and we are still here together - we are soooo very thankful for this!!!  Even though this year has had its challenges, we have also been blessed by the opportunities and memories made.  We think of the amazing medical professionals who have been there for us - from emerg., to admissions, to outpatient tests, to frequent Dr. appointments and oncology visits - everyone has been so supportive to us and we are so thankful for them.  We had the blessing to witness "a little piece of heaven" here when so many of our friends and family came out on one beautiful day in June for our 'Family Fun-raiser'!  Words cannot describe that day for us, we are so grateful to those who organized it and helped out, to all those who came and supported it - we have so many wonderful memories from that day.  Thinking back on it has lifted our spirits many times over!   Later in June we were able to make happen the one thing Wayne had really wanted to do - a trip with Brian to Alberta.  It was nothing short of a miracle how well that went, and we are so thankful for the opportunity to do that.  A huge thank you to Derek and Tracey and Ryan for going with us, and helping to make it all go so smoothly!  This summer was highlighted by the arrival of Wayne's 1969 Valiant - completely finished.  Having his 'first car' here and looking and running so amazingly, has helped brighten many rough days this summer.  Again, we are so thankful for the awesome group of friends who helped to make this happen!  This fall Wayne chose to become involved in the Movember Fundraiser.  He was supported by so many, it was overwhelming!  There was a lot of extra facial hair around, it was fun to see and compare how everyone was doing.  Through everyone's efforts and support Wayne raised just under $3000 for the Movember Foundation.  I have to put out an extra special mention here to Brian's Grade 5/6 boys club at school and his class for their amazing fundraising efforts to support Wayne's Movember cause -  they raised $777!!!

    There have been so many other precious everyday memories that we have been able to share together - too many to list, but thankful for each moment!  Wayne and I are now able to spend so much time together - we call it our "early retirement and 'semi' - retirement" time [I am working, but much less than I used to!].   We are so thankful to be able to have this time together!!  People often think or comment that we should "go somewhere/ do something big together", but home and routine is really the best for Wayne, which makes it the best for all of us!!  This is a new 'reality' for us, and at times we do miss our adventures together, and "the way things used to be"- but in those times we are reminded how blessed we have been!  We were able to do so many wonderful trips with our children and friends - so many great times and treasured memories!  That most definitely helps us now, as we are learning to cherish and enjoy just 'being'!! 

     Guess we better get a Wayne update in too!  I believe our last blog was September, letting you know he had started a new medication - it had made him feel so much better and managed to drop his PSA.  A repeat blood test in Nov. showed the PSA to be starting to increase again.  His oncologist increased the medication, hoping that would be enough to control the PSA again.  We were back this week for more blood work and another appointment - his level remained essentially the same [yayy!].  Yet there is still concern, since it has been such an aggressive beast, and there already has been an increase in PSA so soon; so he is having another round of bone and CT scans in the next couple weeks.  We will meet with the Dr. early Jan to review the results.  Really, really praying hard for positive results!

    So that brings us to now, getting ready to celebrate another milestone together!  We praise God for the miracle of Christmas, and for the miracle He has given us of another Christmas together!!

Merry Christmas to you all, and wishing you God's richest blessings in the year to come!