A number of years ago Wayne and I decided to have family pictures done every 5 years - marking our milestone anniversaries.  Well this month marks the passing of another 5 years, and our 25th Anniversary. I went back and forth on the idea if the kids and I should still do these pictures this year - I wanted to honor our initial decision, to still acknowledge our family, yet I was afraid what others would think.  My love for Wayne is exactly what made me decide to go ahead with the pictures.  Even though he is not physically with us, we are still a family and he is just as much a part of us now.  As the title of this blog we chose together when we started this journey says - 'This is Us Now'

 Which brings me to the reason I am writing this last blog post.  I have started this final post many times over the last number of months, but just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I wanted to bring closure, but most of all to thank everyone for all their love and support - walking this journey with us these past years.  But these posts were something we did together.  As much as they were for everyone else - to keep people involved and connected with our journey, they turned out to be for us too - to allow us to work through the events, to see things in a different light,  to be thankful for still having a 'journey' together to write about.  So as you can imagine, sitting here alone to write one last post, is not an easy thing to do.  Over the last number of weeks though, I have had several 'nudges' to do this.  Talking with people, and how they were thankful for the updates - the connection, our faith ; explaining to others why we did them and how they helped us as well, and then sitting at our dear nieces wedding and listening to the message referencing  'this is us'.  Yep, I have put it off long enough, saying one day I'll be up for it. . .

 So, This is us now. I will not pretend. I wish with every fiber of my being that this was not us. There are still so many times with tears, and fear, and that crushing feeling in the chest. There are so many unknowns, questions never to be answered. But all that cannot be the last word, or death has had the victory. Never, through all the 2 years and 3 months, did we allow the cancer / the treatments/ the prognosis to keep us under its cold grip. We had our moments for sure - but generally we would have them individually and the other would lift us back up. It was in our nature - to try and stay positive, still enjoy our moments, to be strong - and when one of us wasn't able, the other would stand for both of us. [ I know this is also the reason why I struggle now, that rhythm of support and strength as husband and wife is broken, I don't know how to do 'hard days' without him. ] . . .But the 'us now' has to find a way to still stand - united with each other and our Lord. Still with Faith of our Salvation, Hope for the New Day, and so much Love.

One of the hardest things to realize after such a huge loss is that the world does go on.  Why isn't everyone stopping what they're doing, why are people still smiling, don't they know how much I hurt - maybe I should be wearing a sign.  But that wouldn't help - the rhythm of life must go on, and we'll join in as we are able - maybe not every day, but that's ok too.  Without dragging on with details, know that our children are busy with their own details of everyday life.  Striving hard to continue on with their goals, but with the ever present absence of their Dad.  Everything so different now for us, and yet familiar - just with a gaping hole, an open wound that will one day be a scar, but always there.   I am starting to realize that in this wound is who we are  - This is us now.  It is a part of us, and if you really want to know us you have to see and feel the wound as well.  But more than that, I pray that when you see me, when you come in our home, when you see our children , you will know that the hole is there, but triumphing over it you will feel love.  Love from an amazing husband and father, love that was shared, and still here;  mirrored in our children, felt in our home, and forever a part of my being. 

Which brings me to today, our 25th Anniversary.  It was going to be quite the celebration, we had talked about it often and I had even convinced Wayne that we should get Pastor Kevin back and renew our vows.  This is a much different looking day, but still one filled with so much love.  A day spent with our children, lots of reminiscing, beautiful notes and messages from so many - memories of that amazing day 25 years ago, but more than that - memories of 25 years of love.  As I think back, Wayne did 'renew' his vows to me - so many times, in so many ways - "I would do it all over again with you "     . . .   Happy Anniversary my love, till we 'meet on that beautiful shore'

So much love . . .

We are blessed beyond measure to have been given the gift of so much love from him, but because of that we have such an overwhelming void now.  He had so much love for us,  but that made it too hard for him to leave this life we had.  We often were told by others, that his strength and determination to continue to fight was a testament of his profound love for us.  So much love.

He was my rock, my strength, my reason for each day.  People would say I was so strong for caring for him, doing everything for him and our children - I was strong because of him.
So many amazing memories together, simple pleasures of time together - now mourning so greatly the loss of more time.  Longing to be in his arms again.  So much love.

He was an incredibly caring and strong father to our children - leading by example, modeling his faith.  He was so very proud of each of them and told them often.  He loved them each in  their unique way, and celebrated their individual qualities and  strengths.  He loved to see them doing what they love, and wanted so much to be here for more of their future.  So much love.

I don't want to think of what's next, so we focus on the now.  This is us now - crying often, but smiling and laughing too.  Remembering so much love.
Knowing we are held up in thoughts and prayers of so very many people.  Seeing so many lives that Wayne has touched - overwhelmed by the numbers at the visitations and funeral.  So much love.
And most importantly, standing firmly in our faith, that our heavenly Father is holding us up when we can no longer stand.  So much love.

Can you believe this has been two years ago already - in some ways it feels like forever ago, and in other ways, like yesterday [except Brian looks so young here!!]

We want to start by wishing you all a beautiful New Year, filled with love, laughter and wonderful memories.  We have enjoyed seeing/hearing about your holidays together  - your gatherings, trips and holiday fun with young and old.  It is such a blessing to have these special times of year to refocus on those we love and the gifts we have in each other.  While our Christmas was not your picture perfect, stuff of carols or cards or cheesy movies, but we were still together and so very thankful for that!  We even had  'Three Wisemen' at our door Christmas morning [along with a remote 'angel' on speed dial, for guidance and parts!] to fix our water! [water stopped working Christmas eve, not the best timing - but gave us another reminder of how blessed we are to have such caring friends - Thank you Thalen's and Rodney!!]

Unfortunately Wayne has had some decline in his health the past number of weeks.  Recent scans, blood work, and how he has been feeling, all point to progression of the cancer.  We are not going to get into details - [in my professional experience, I often find that people get focused on the details, and the negatives, and not focus on what really matters . . .], but know that he is still 'fighting'!! His pain can sometimes be hard to control, and he is generally quite weak, but we are managing here at home.  I am currently taking some time off work, as this is where I am needed.   Many times over the past two years, this cancer has had the upper hand, and Dr's have questioned what to do next.  While we stand at this crossroad, once again, we know that whatever comes we will face it with faith as our foundation.  

As some of you may know, we had amazing plans to celebrate New Years in Florida this year with all our kids, the girls boyfriends, the other half of our DeBummel family and their extras, and our dear friends, the Vokes family - 19 of us in total!  It was going to be a great time to be together and forget about this other crap for awhile.  Unfortunately, our plans had to change.  We tried, right up to the day we were to leave, to figure a way to get Wayne there and still be able to enjoy this time together, but the decision was taken from us - we could not go.  Yet, even in this, some good can come.  We are so proud of  our children, they decided to still go [as Brian said "I'm not a baby anymore, I can do this!].

It may seem strange that this makes us proud, but they have shown more strength and courage than many people much older.  They know where we put our faith and trust in, they are thankful for every small moment we have together, and most importantly they have never let this horrible reality hold them back.  They have continued their studies, their work, their teams, their interests, their social lives - never using their Dad as an excuse!  This is so very important to Wayne.  When we talk of cancer, it is an evil.  It can do horrible things to the body, but when you let it take over your hope and your will, the evil really has won.  I'm not going to lie, there are times when we feel defeated and hopeless, but we very consciously remind and help each other through those dark times.  We try and focus on the positive, we try and keep up our normal routines and lives as much as possible, we try and keep conversations and interactions upbeat, and we wake each day - thankful for another one and each other.  

As I write this, our gang is traveling home again.  They had a fun week together with everyone, and we had lots of skype time and chats with them too.  We had a nice week, just the two of us as well [again, not movie worthy or anything - although we did watch a lot of movies!!],  but together still.  We pray for safe travels for everyone, we can't wait to see them all again, and hear all the stories [we never get together without great stories!!]  So, thank you to our DeBoer and Vokes family, Bryden and Joe,  for being their with our family, journeying with them on this strange path of life - modeling strength and courage along with them.

2019 has definitely not started as we planned, but has already shown us where and how we should stand  -  together  -  rooted in Faith, Hope and Love.  We thank you for your continued love and support, and we covet your prayers for Strength as we face each day.