A number of years ago Wayne and I decided to have family pictures done every 5 years - marking our milestone anniversaries. Well this month marks the passing of another 5 years, and our 25th Anniversary. I went back and forth on the idea if the kids and I should still do these pictures this year - I wanted to honor our initial decision, to still acknowledge our family, yet I was afraid what others would think. My love for Wayne is exactly what made me decide to go ahead with the pictures. Even though he is not physically with us, we are still a family and he is just as much a part of us now. As the title of this blog we chose together when we started this journey says - 'This is Us Now'
Which brings me to the reason I am writing this last blog post. I have started this final post many times over the last number of months, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted to bring closure, but most of all to thank everyone for all their love and support - walking this journey with us these past years. But these posts were something we did together. As much as they were for everyone else - to keep people involved and connected with our journey, they turned out to be for us too - to allow us to work through the events, to see things in a different light, to be thankful for still having a 'journey' together to write about. So as you can imagine, sitting here alone to write one last post, is not an easy thing to do. Over the last number of weeks though, I have had several 'nudges' to do this. Talking with people, and how they were thankful for the updates - the connection, our faith ; explaining to others why we did them and how they helped us as well, and then sitting at our dear nieces wedding and listening to the message referencing 'this is us'. Yep, I have put it off long enough, saying one day I'll be up for it. . .
So, This is us now. I will not pretend. I wish with every fiber of my being that this was not us. There are still so many times with tears, and fear, and that crushing feeling in the chest. There are so many unknowns, questions never to be answered. But all that cannot be the last word, or death has had the victory. Never, through all the 2 years and 3 months, did we allow the cancer / the treatments/ the prognosis to keep us under its cold grip. We had our moments for sure - but generally we would have them individually and the other would lift us back up. It was in our nature - to try and stay positive, still enjoy our moments, to be strong - and when one of us wasn't able, the other would stand for both of us. [ I know this is also the reason why I struggle now, that rhythm of support and strength as husband and wife is broken, I don't know how to do 'hard days' without him. ] . . .But the 'us now' has to find a way to still stand - united with each other and our Lord. Still with Faith of our Salvation, Hope for the New Day, and so much Love.
One of the hardest things to realize after such a huge loss is that the world does go on. Why isn't everyone stopping what they're doing, why are people still smiling, don't they know how much I hurt - maybe I should be wearing a sign. But that wouldn't help - the rhythm of life must go on, and we'll join in as we are able - maybe not every day, but that's ok too. Without dragging on with details, know that our children are busy with their own details of everyday life. Striving hard to continue on with their goals, but with the ever present absence of their Dad. Everything so different now for us, and yet familiar - just with a gaping hole, an open wound that will one day be a scar, but always there. I am starting to realize that in this wound is who we are - This is us now. It is a part of us, and if you really want to know us you have to see and feel the wound as well. But more than that, I pray that when you see me, when you come in our home, when you see our children , you will know that the hole is there, but triumphing over it you will feel love. Love from an amazing husband and father, love that was shared, and still here; mirrored in our children, felt in our home, and forever a part of my being.
Which brings me to today, our 25th Anniversary. It was going to be quite the celebration, we had talked about it often and I had even convinced Wayne that we should get Pastor Kevin back and renew our vows. This is a much different looking day, but still one filled with so much love. A day spent with our children, lots of reminiscing, beautiful notes and messages from so many - memories of that amazing day 25 years ago, but more than that - memories of 25 years of love. As I think back, Wayne did 'renew' his vows to me - so many times, in so many ways - "I would do it all over again with you " . . . Happy Anniversary my love, till we 'meet on that beautiful shore'
