A number of years ago Wayne and I decided to have family pictures done every 5 years - marking our milestone anniversaries.  Well this month marks the passing of another 5 years, and our 25th Anniversary. I went back and forth on the idea if the kids and I should still do these pictures this year - I wanted to honor our initial decision, to still acknowledge our family, yet I was afraid what others would think.  My love for Wayne is exactly what made me decide to go ahead with the pictures.  Even though he is not physically with us, we are still a family and he is just as much a part of us now.  As the title of this blog we chose together when we started this journey says - 'This is Us Now'

 Which brings me to the reason I am writing this last blog post.  I have started this final post many times over the last number of months, but just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I wanted to bring closure, but most of all to thank everyone for all their love and support - walking this journey with us these past years.  But these posts were something we did together.  As much as they were for everyone else - to keep people involved and connected with our journey, they turned out to be for us too - to allow us to work through the events, to see things in a different light,  to be thankful for still having a 'journey' together to write about.  So as you can imagine, sitting here alone to write one last post, is not an easy thing to do.  Over the last number of weeks though, I have had several 'nudges' to do this.  Talking with people, and how they were thankful for the updates - the connection, our faith ; explaining to others why we did them and how they helped us as well, and then sitting at our dear nieces wedding and listening to the message referencing  'this is us'.  Yep, I have put it off long enough, saying one day I'll be up for it. . .

 So, This is us now. I will not pretend. I wish with every fiber of my being that this was not us. There are still so many times with tears, and fear, and that crushing feeling in the chest. There are so many unknowns, questions never to be answered. But all that cannot be the last word, or death has had the victory. Never, through all the 2 years and 3 months, did we allow the cancer / the treatments/ the prognosis to keep us under its cold grip. We had our moments for sure - but generally we would have them individually and the other would lift us back up. It was in our nature - to try and stay positive, still enjoy our moments, to be strong - and when one of us wasn't able, the other would stand for both of us. [ I know this is also the reason why I struggle now, that rhythm of support and strength as husband and wife is broken, I don't know how to do 'hard days' without him. ] . . .But the 'us now' has to find a way to still stand - united with each other and our Lord. Still with Faith of our Salvation, Hope for the New Day, and so much Love.

One of the hardest things to realize after such a huge loss is that the world does go on.  Why isn't everyone stopping what they're doing, why are people still smiling, don't they know how much I hurt - maybe I should be wearing a sign.  But that wouldn't help - the rhythm of life must go on, and we'll join in as we are able - maybe not every day, but that's ok too.  Without dragging on with details, know that our children are busy with their own details of everyday life.  Striving hard to continue on with their goals, but with the ever present absence of their Dad.  Everything so different now for us, and yet familiar - just with a gaping hole, an open wound that will one day be a scar, but always there.   I am starting to realize that in this wound is who we are  - This is us now.  It is a part of us, and if you really want to know us you have to see and feel the wound as well.  But more than that, I pray that when you see me, when you come in our home, when you see our children , you will know that the hole is there, but triumphing over it you will feel love.  Love from an amazing husband and father, love that was shared, and still here;  mirrored in our children, felt in our home, and forever a part of my being. 

Which brings me to today, our 25th Anniversary.  It was going to be quite the celebration, we had talked about it often and I had even convinced Wayne that we should get Pastor Kevin back and renew our vows.  This is a much different looking day, but still one filled with so much love.  A day spent with our children, lots of reminiscing, beautiful notes and messages from so many - memories of that amazing day 25 years ago, but more than that - memories of 25 years of love.  As I think back, Wayne did 'renew' his vows to me - so many times, in so many ways - "I would do it all over again with you "     . . .   Happy Anniversary my love, till we 'meet on that beautiful shore'

So much love . . .

We are blessed beyond measure to have been given the gift of so much love from him, but because of that we have such an overwhelming void now.  He had so much love for us,  but that made it too hard for him to leave this life we had.  We often were told by others, that his strength and determination to continue to fight was a testament of his profound love for us.  So much love.

He was my rock, my strength, my reason for each day.  People would say I was so strong for caring for him, doing everything for him and our children - I was strong because of him.
So many amazing memories together, simple pleasures of time together - now mourning so greatly the loss of more time.  Longing to be in his arms again.  So much love.

He was an incredibly caring and strong father to our children - leading by example, modeling his faith.  He was so very proud of each of them and told them often.  He loved them each in  their unique way, and celebrated their individual qualities and  strengths.  He loved to see them doing what they love, and wanted so much to be here for more of their future.  So much love.

I don't want to think of what's next, so we focus on the now.  This is us now - crying often, but smiling and laughing too.  Remembering so much love.
Knowing we are held up in thoughts and prayers of so very many people.  Seeing so many lives that Wayne has touched - overwhelmed by the numbers at the visitations and funeral.  So much love.
And most importantly, standing firmly in our faith, that our heavenly Father is holding us up when we can no longer stand.  So much love.

Can you believe this has been two years ago already - in some ways it feels like forever ago, and in other ways, like yesterday [except Brian looks so young here!!]

We want to start by wishing you all a beautiful New Year, filled with love, laughter and wonderful memories.  We have enjoyed seeing/hearing about your holidays together  - your gatherings, trips and holiday fun with young and old.  It is such a blessing to have these special times of year to refocus on those we love and the gifts we have in each other.  While our Christmas was not your picture perfect, stuff of carols or cards or cheesy movies, but we were still together and so very thankful for that!  We even had  'Three Wisemen' at our door Christmas morning [along with a remote 'angel' on speed dial, for guidance and parts!] to fix our water! [water stopped working Christmas eve, not the best timing - but gave us another reminder of how blessed we are to have such caring friends - Thank you Thalen's and Rodney!!]

Unfortunately Wayne has had some decline in his health the past number of weeks.  Recent scans, blood work, and how he has been feeling, all point to progression of the cancer.  We are not going to get into details - [in my professional experience, I often find that people get focused on the details, and the negatives, and not focus on what really matters . . .], but know that he is still 'fighting'!! His pain can sometimes be hard to control, and he is generally quite weak, but we are managing here at home.  I am currently taking some time off work, as this is where I am needed.   Many times over the past two years, this cancer has had the upper hand, and Dr's have questioned what to do next.  While we stand at this crossroad, once again, we know that whatever comes we will face it with faith as our foundation.  

As some of you may know, we had amazing plans to celebrate New Years in Florida this year with all our kids, the girls boyfriends, the other half of our DeBummel family and their extras, and our dear friends, the Vokes family - 19 of us in total!  It was going to be a great time to be together and forget about this other crap for awhile.  Unfortunately, our plans had to change.  We tried, right up to the day we were to leave, to figure a way to get Wayne there and still be able to enjoy this time together, but the decision was taken from us - we could not go.  Yet, even in this, some good can come.  We are so proud of  our children, they decided to still go [as Brian said "I'm not a baby anymore, I can do this!].

It may seem strange that this makes us proud, but they have shown more strength and courage than many people much older.  They know where we put our faith and trust in, they are thankful for every small moment we have together, and most importantly they have never let this horrible reality hold them back.  They have continued their studies, their work, their teams, their interests, their social lives - never using their Dad as an excuse!  This is so very important to Wayne.  When we talk of cancer, it is an evil.  It can do horrible things to the body, but when you let it take over your hope and your will, the evil really has won.  I'm not going to lie, there are times when we feel defeated and hopeless, but we very consciously remind and help each other through those dark times.  We try and focus on the positive, we try and keep up our normal routines and lives as much as possible, we try and keep conversations and interactions upbeat, and we wake each day - thankful for another one and each other.  

As I write this, our gang is traveling home again.  They had a fun week together with everyone, and we had lots of skype time and chats with them too.  We had a nice week, just the two of us as well [again, not movie worthy or anything - although we did watch a lot of movies!!],  but together still.  We pray for safe travels for everyone, we can't wait to see them all again, and hear all the stories [we never get together without great stories!!]  So, thank you to our DeBoer and Vokes family, Bryden and Joe,  for being their with our family, journeying with them on this strange path of life - modeling strength and courage along with them.

2019 has definitely not started as we planned, but has already shown us where and how we should stand  -  together  -  rooted in Faith, Hope and Love.  We thank you for your continued love and support, and we covet your prayers for Strength as we face each day.

Well, it's been awhile again!  But here we are - still together, abundantly thankful for each day.  This is a picture from the trip we took East a few years ago - a reminder of all the yesterdays we can be forever grateful for!!
Thought a post just before Thanksgiving would be completely appropriate, since we can always find something to be thankful for!

The past few months have had there challenges, but with hard days comes abundant appreciation for the good days.  Wayne started a new treatment in London, every 6 weeks. [I should clarify, this is a treatment to try and slow down/ break down the cancer in the bones.  All the treatments they have tried to slow the actual prostate source have been unsuccessful, so no further treatment that way - just trying to treat/control symptoms and further spread] The first couple treatments were very hard on Wayne, but with the addition of a new medication to help control the symptoms, he is tolerating the treatments much better. [A huge thank you to Dr. Huff!!]  There was concern the treatments weren't helping, but after some blood work today, it seems the treatment has started to do what it is supposed to - so he can continue on with them!  We are so thankful for this, the opportunity to still be in some form of treatment is reassuring.

We have been extremely thankful that Wayne has been feeling pretty good the last month.  Mornings and evenings are still slow, but he is able to putter around here during the day - and that helps us all feel a little 'normal'.  We were able to enjoy some outings with our children and friends this summer, and he has been able to make it to make it to church a few times, and even to the arena this fall to watch Brian - more to be thankful for!

This is such a broken world, and we have been reminded of it lately as we have had some others close to us receive difficult diagnosis' and walk hard journeys with their families.  We cry for them and wonder why, just as we can still question our own path.  We don't have the answers, but we do have Faith [another thing to be thankful for, for without it we could not stand].  We move forward each day with Trust and Hope.  We pray for them and for us, and we know when the days come that it is hard to pray - there are others out there praying for us, and we are forever grateful for that.

So thank you all again, for your ongoing love, support and prayers.  Know that we are doing good and be thankful with us for the gift of time.
We wish each and every one of you a wonderful Thanksgiving together.

Take a close look and you will see our families first initials, woven so beautifully together! Our own personal "family crest", created for us by our very talented cousin [plug in here for Amy Burrows and her graphic design business - Innisfree Design]! Hopefully this will one day be crafted out of metal and hanging over our fireplace!

It's been a few months since we've done a blog, and of course there's been some happenings.  In February Wayne's PSA began to climb again, he had all the bone and CT scans repeated the end of March, and back to see the oncologist yesterday for bloodwork and results.  After some delay in getting results, we received the call late yesterday afternoon that his PSA has gone up more, and there is a new area of concern behind the sternum.  Well, I'm not going to lie, that rocked us.  The Dr. is quite concerned, as are we.  She is scheduling him for a biopsy of the new area, as well she has sent in a referral to London for another opinion.  These will hopefully happen this month. 
After processing this last night [shout out here to thank my work family for covering my shift last night - we needed that!], we are pushing forward, trying to hard to stay positive, and praying hard.

Wayne continues to have his good and bad days, but generally has been doing ok.  Mornings are still a little slow, but he is sleeping better [shout out here to essential oils!], we have again tweaked his diet - and he feels good with that.  He is able to putter around here during the day, doing little projects that's he's been wanting to do [even got the stone on our fireplace surround this winter!] Generally we are actually really enjoying our "early retirement" together, and so thankful for the opportunity to have this time with each other and our family. Speaking of which, our children are doing well.  Jessica is pushing through her last semesters at college, hard to believe she will be completely done in August, and will be starting her full time job as an Architectural Technician in September!  Vanessa is finishing up her 2nd semester in her Bachelor of Science in Nursing, and has been enjoying her program - it has been so wonderful to see our girls flourish and enjoy their schooling/career choices.  Vanessa was even hired as a fulltime student nurse for the summer at the hospital here -  an amazing opportunity for her to get some excellent practical experience [and make some money for next year]!  Brian is done hockey and missing that, but has been enjoying a little more free time! He is looking forward to warmer days, atv rides, paint balling, soccer, camping . . .

So here we are again, finding joy and thankfulness in our every day moments  -  just 'being' in each others, and our Heavenly Father's, presence.

We just wanted to put a quick note out letting you all know how things went with the latest CT/ bone scans and blood work.  We know there have been many thoughts and prayers for positive results.  Well, we are happy to report that there were some positives - Wayne's PSA has dropped a little, and his scans all show no further change [the areas of cancer
are still there, but no new sites were seen!].  This was an enormous relief for us, definitely answer to prayers!  The Dr. is still keeping a close eye on things, and will be doing repeat blood work and appointment early February.  In the mean time we will enjoy this little breather!

Thank you all, once again, with love - Wayne and Brenda

     First and foremost we would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas!  May this special time of year be filled with wonderful moments together with those you love.  Cherish each second, and treasure every memory, as the precious gifts that they are!   
We would also like to take this time to thank each and every one of you for helping us through this past year.  Through your love, support and prayers, meals and treats, messages and cards, phone calls and visits, envelopes [and jars!] - we have been held up and sustained throughout this eventful year.

     It seems hard to believe that it was just a year ago that our world was turned upside down - so much has happened and changed this year, it feels like forever ago!  Yet it is now almost a year later, and we are still here together - we are soooo very thankful for this!!!  Even though this year has had its challenges, we have also been blessed by the opportunities and memories made.  We think of the amazing medical professionals who have been there for us - from emerg., to admissions, to outpatient tests, to frequent Dr. appointments and oncology visits - everyone has been so supportive to us and we are so thankful for them.  We had the blessing to witness "a little piece of heaven" here when so many of our friends and family came out on one beautiful day in June for our 'Family Fun-raiser'!  Words cannot describe that day for us, we are so grateful to those who organized it and helped out, to all those who came and supported it - we have so many wonderful memories from that day.  Thinking back on it has lifted our spirits many times over!   Later in June we were able to make happen the one thing Wayne had really wanted to do - a trip with Brian to Alberta.  It was nothing short of a miracle how well that went, and we are so thankful for the opportunity to do that.  A huge thank you to Derek and Tracey and Ryan for going with us, and helping to make it all go so smoothly!  This summer was highlighted by the arrival of Wayne's 1969 Valiant - completely finished.  Having his 'first car' here and looking and running so amazingly, has helped brighten many rough days this summer.  Again, we are so thankful for the awesome group of friends who helped to make this happen!  This fall Wayne chose to become involved in the Movember Fundraiser.  He was supported by so many, it was overwhelming!  There was a lot of extra facial hair around, it was fun to see and compare how everyone was doing.  Through everyone's efforts and support Wayne raised just under $3000 for the Movember Foundation.  I have to put out an extra special mention here to Brian's Grade 5/6 boys club at school and his class for their amazing fundraising efforts to support Wayne's Movember cause -  they raised $777!!!

    There have been so many other precious everyday memories that we have been able to share together - too many to list, but thankful for each moment!  Wayne and I are now able to spend so much time together - we call it our "early retirement and 'semi' - retirement" time [I am working, but much less than I used to!].   We are so thankful to be able to have this time together!!  People often think or comment that we should "go somewhere/ do something big together", but home and routine is really the best for Wayne, which makes it the best for all of us!!  This is a new 'reality' for us, and at times we do miss our adventures together, and "the way things used to be"- but in those times we are reminded how blessed we have been!  We were able to do so many wonderful trips with our children and friends - so many great times and treasured memories!  That most definitely helps us now, as we are learning to cherish and enjoy just 'being'!! 

     Guess we better get a Wayne update in too!  I believe our last blog was September, letting you know he had started a new medication - it had made him feel so much better and managed to drop his PSA.  A repeat blood test in Nov. showed the PSA to be starting to increase again.  His oncologist increased the medication, hoping that would be enough to control the PSA again.  We were back this week for more blood work and another appointment - his level remained essentially the same [yayy!].  Yet there is still concern, since it has been such an aggressive beast, and there already has been an increase in PSA so soon; so he is having another round of bone and CT scans in the next couple weeks.  We will meet with the Dr. early Jan to review the results.  Really, really praying hard for positive results!

    So that brings us to now, getting ready to celebrate another milestone together!  We praise God for the miracle of Christmas, and for the miracle He has given us of another Christmas together!!

Merry Christmas to you all, and wishing you God's richest blessings in the year to come!

I know it's been awhile since we've done a post - so today is the day! 

This is a picture of the amazing print we made [with the help of Rachel!]  It is a beautiful and constant reminder of the blessings of each other and the strength that we are 'rooted' in.

I never know how much detail to put in to these blogs, but its hard to truly explain things in Wayne's journey without getting into some medical 'jargon'!
So, I'll just dive into things.  Since our last post in July . . .  Wayne had his bone and bone marrow biopsies in late July.  Both showed spread of the cancer into the marrow as well as being highly involved in the bone.  Wayne's PSA continued to rise dramatically, as did his pain.  It was mid August when he got in for a consult at Princess Margaret.  [A HUGE thank you here to Aunt Brenda and Uncle Bill for 'taking us in', chauffeuring us around Toronto and keeping us fed and watered!! We appreciate that more than you'll ever know!!] The doctor there had a new trial that he felt would be beneficial to Wayne, but looking further into it was found that he was not eligible.  Without getting into too much detail, he didn't qualify because his cancer was too aggressive.  They thought they could maybe 'sneak' him in, but it would be another couple weeks - repeat all the scans, and then still may not be approved for the trial.  At that point his PSA was climbing so rapidly, and he was feeling so horribly, that waiting was not an option.  Our oncologist here had a drug approved for him which he could start right away, which would hopefully 'slow things down'  - so that's what we did.
He started that drug Aug 21st.  Within a couple weeks Wayne was starting to feel so much better.  His pain was much less and his energy was improving.
So today, a month after starting this new drug, he had follow up blood work and visit with our oncologist.  Aug 17th his PSA was 933 [it was at its lowest about half way through chemo at 23], today it is 83!!!!  Now that's some great news!!
Now, as with most things in Wayne's world, there is usually a 'but'.  It seems his new drug is suppressing his bone marrow, making his white blood cells/ neutrophils drop - once again, not a usual reaction - yep, that's Wayne!  So we are cutting down the dose of the drug and will check his blood work again in 2 weeks.  Praying this will help the bone marrow while still allowing the effect on the PSA.  In the meantime, we need to keep any bugs away from him!
He was also started on an IV drug today to hopefully help strengthen his bones [they had previously tried an injection for this, but it dropped his calcium too low].  If his blood work shows the calcium is tolerating this, he will go in monthly for this IV drug. 

I think that covers Wayne's last couple of months.  Obviously wasn't the summer we were hoping for, and far from our usual summer of adventures, but we were still together!!  And always thankful for all the everyday, simple treasures together.

As for the rest of us, we are back in the routine days of fall.  We are actually seeing our kids now more than usual - Jessica is on another co-op work term, so she is home till the new year.  Vanessa chose to do her BScN for the first 2 years here at Georgian and then will be going to York for 2 years, and Brian is off to grade 5.  Brian was super excited to have his same teacher as last year [she's amazing!!], and most of his core group of friends in his class again.  He is in the middle of try-outs for rep hockey, and he's loving being back in the net!  Vanessa is enjoying her program, even with the crazy amount of work she has to do.  Jessica loves being back at work at Barry's, she loves the variety of work and the people that she works with.  We've also been busy with her abundant little garden - even done some firsts for us - bread and butter pickles, salsa, relish, pickled beets, on top of our usual freezer beans, carrots and beets!  I am working again, just less shifts than what I used to do.  This seems to be working well for us, and it has been so nice to be back working with all the great people I have the privilege to call friends. Some shifts can be challenging mentally to me, but generally its been a good transition - working, and catching up with everyone [nurses always have great stories!!].  So very much to be thankful for!!

Before I started writing this blog, I took the time to read over our previous posts.  It's been quite the roller coaster these last 9 months, ups and downs for sure, but at the same time we are so full of thanks.  Obviously overwhelmingly thankful that Wayne can be feeling fairly good the last couple of weeks, but also thankful for 9 months!  Yep, they were not all 'good' days, but as we were discussing together today, its amazing how your definition of  'good' times changes.  We can look back and rejoice at the blessings of each and every day - we are together.  We have joy in simple moments.

We thank you all again for your continued love, support and prayers - it really does help so much, knowing that we are never going through anything alone. And we thank God for the peace we have, and continue to stand "rooted in Faith, Hope and Love".

You know those candid pictures, that when you look back at them you see how much was really captured in them - this is one of those pictures.  It was from our family photo shoot back in January, before Wayne started chemo. 

So here we are now, I so very much want to do a post with just good and positive news,  but that's not going to happen today.  Wayne had his repeat blood work this week, with the plan for us to just call in and get the results and keep coasting through the summer.  Once again, a change of plans.  When we called for the results we were told we had to come in to see the Dr. - of course, we didn't have a good feeling about that.  We met with the Dr. first thing yesterday morning - Wayne's PSA had increased significantly [was 91, now, just a few weeks later, it is 394].  The doctors have said all along that his cancer was very aggressive, but this number even shocked them.  This is way more aggressive than they thought.   The oncologist had already consulted with a number of other doctors before we met with her.  They need to do some biopsies, so they can analyze the cells and put a name to this beast.  Wayne goes for a bone marrow biopsy on Wed., and they will also need to do a bone biopsy [don't have a date for that one yet].  They are concerned there may be a type of small cell cancer as well - if that is the case, there is not much they are able to do and it would go very quickly.  If it comes back negative, and it is still the usual prostate cancer, we will go to Princess Margaret to see if they could offer anything else.  In the mean time, he is starting a monthly injection to try and help strengthen his bones and hopefully ease some of his pain.  They are also working on getting approval for another drug for him to start, which may help slow things down. They are hoping to have that in place to start next week as well.

Looking back over the last couple weeks, Wayne has been more tired and having more pain as well.  I guess on some level we knew things weren't going how they should be, but we always try and stay positive.  That is definitely getting harder. 
Yet we are so thankful for the supportive circle of people around us and our children. We are still standing [well, Wayne's laying more than standing these days!], but we are rooted firm in Faith - not knowing the plans for us, but knowing our God loves us deeply. We are trying hard to hold on to Hope and we are always surrounded by so much Love.

We are also keenly aware of the needs of so many people around us - who are also struggling with disease and decisions, who are facing loss and who have recently lost.  We live in such a broken world, yet we do not live without hope - we pray for you all.

Just putting out a quick update, we know there were lots of people thinking and praying for us today as we met with the oncologist to go over the recent test results.

So, the CT and bone scan showed that the lymph node size has gone down, and there are no new areas of cancer in the bones.  This is good, however the 'activity' of the existing cancer in the bones has increased - not so good.  Unfortunately his PSA count has gone up significantly, definitely not good.  We are going to do another blood test in a couple weeks, and check the PSA again - if still increasing she will look into clinical trials offered elsewhere.  There is really nothing more she can offer here.  Basically she said all we can really do right now is pray - and she has and will continue to pray for us as well.  She said Wayne's body has been through a lot these last few months, and she would like to see him be able to take it easy for the summer, and enjoy our time together with our children.  Not what you like to hear from a doctor, but we are thankful for her compassion and care.

Not the news we were hoping to hear or pass on to you all.  Yet we are trying to remain positive, enjoy the time we have together,  and stand firm in faith, hope and love.

 

Standing in awe of God's amazing creation, making more memories together!

 

 

 

We are so thankful for the awesome trip we were able to take with Brian, Derek, Tracey and Ryan - everything went so smoothly, and Wayne felt so great - for sure a miracle in itself.  Had so much fun just being tourists, and even got to meet up with some of our 'western' family!!  Great times with great friends - we are so blessed!

 

Looking forward to making some more great memories . . .



 



 



 



Having Fun with #plaidfordad !! - helping to raise awareness for prostate cancer

Well it's been pretty eventful around here lately - so we thought it was a good time to do another update.

Last Thursday Wayne had his final chemo treatment!  It seems like so long ago that he started chemo and we were counting down the months till it was done - well here we are!  Generally he has tolerated the treatments quite well, just really knocks him down for a number of days.  He's in his 'down days' now, so he can crash on the couch and tell me what to write!!
This Thursday he is having his bone scans and CT done.  This will give the doctors a better view of what the treatments have accomplished - if the chemo and hormone therapy have slowed the cancers progression or not.  But before they can give us the results, we are sneaking away for a little holiday!!  Wayne, Brian and myself, along with some dear friends of ours and their son, are flying out to Alberta for 5 days.  We had done this trip when our girls were young, and we've always promised Brian we would get him out west too - so we're doing it!!   We will meet with the doctor for the test results, do more blood work, and find out what's next when we get back.

Life around here keeps on moving on.  Jessica went back for her next semester at college - not necessarily where she'd like to be for the summer, but she's pushing forward!  Vanessa had her prom last week - another milestone we are so thankful Wayne was able to see [made it back from chemo just in time to see her and Bryden off!].  Brian is enjoying his school days with great friends and great teachers to support him [and of course, he's super pumped about our upcoming trip!]

Then there's the amazing "Family Fiesta Fun day" we had this past Saturday at Dual Acres - what can we say, but WOW!!!   I was searching the thesaurus for new ways of saying how completely overwhelmed we are, but no words can match how we feel.  Actually when you look up 'overwhelmed' it literally means 'bury or drown beneath a huge mass'.  We'll we're not buried or drowned but we are most definitely completely covered and surrounded and held up by the 'huge mass' of love and support we felt that day!!  The day was nothing short of perfect. The weather, the setting, so many people working together, and so much laughter and smiles -  as one friend said - we saw a little glimpse of what heaven will be like! 
To the organizing committee that came up with the idea, and managed to put together such a fun, smoothly-run day - you are all truly amazing for pulling it all off, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.  To the numerous people who helped out to keep the day running smoothly - from parking, wagon rides, 'toonie toss', kid zone, silent auction, dunk tank, and food - your willingness to help will never be forgotten.  To all those who donated to the silent auction - unbelievable!  The number of items was absolutely astounding [I believe 120 items were donated], and such unique and fun things - we were tempted to bid ourselves!!  To the dunk tank nominees - thank you for agreeing to brave the chilly waters, and for being such great sports about it.  And of course to the many people who came out from near and far [they're thinking it was close to 450 of you - or more!], again  - WOW, thank you for sharing the fun with us!  Even to those who couldn't join us, we were blessed by your messages, thoughts and support from afar!!  Our hearts are truly full.  Each and every one of you have given us the greatest gift we could ever ask for - the gift of love and wonderful memories.

Never has a day gone by since this awful new reality, have we had to doubt or question where our strength. love and support come from. Literally since the first day of diagnosis we have had food when we needed, an envelope [or jar!] appear with funds to help us out, cards/ messages/ phone calls/ visits and hugs to lift us up just when we were feeling weighed down.  God has shown us over and over again that He is walking with us and has put each of you on our path to help us along just when we need it the most. Knowing this, we are given strength for our tomorrows from Him and through you all.

With all our Love and Thanks

 

Oh, the relaxing days of summer vacations!!  Still hoping to be able to enjoy some more times like this . . .

Wayne has asked me to do another post for everyone, he's actually asked me to do some soliciting - soliciting of prayers!  He's always told people when they offer their support and prayers that "he'll take all the prayers he can get!"   . . . So we've been 'coasting' along here pretty well [considering what we're dealing with].  We had gotten into the pattern of chemo, knowing when it was coming, knowing when and how bad his 'bad days' were, knowing when he would have his stronger days.  Today was our usual pre-chemo blood work and visit with the oncologist.  But as usually happens, when people feel like they know what's coming, when we feel like 'we've got control of this', God steps in and says - 'No, I've got this, you need to step back and trust in me.'  Wayne's white blood cell count [neutrophils] are too low - despite him getting regular injections to build up his neutrophils.  It would be too risky to proceed with the chemo on Monday, so he will be having more blood work on Thursday, and possibly chemo that day.  His PSA has also increased, the Dr. is hoping it is just a "glitch", and will come back down with the remainder of the chemo, but it is still a concern.  Well, that was definitely not the news we were expecting.  So yes, we have been set back. We are resting on our Faith and the prayers of so many, we always have Hope in the power of prayer and are constantly surrounded, held up and enfolded by Love.

Through this all we constantly marvel at the amount of support we have and continue to receive.  We really have been blessed.  Last night I was able to go to a retirement dinner for a friend from my work.  It was a great evening, and a wonderful reminder of what a supportive and caring family we have in our co-workers.  I am so thankful for my work family, their love and support, and what they have taught me - to help me be the person I am.
We have also been humbled and overwhelmed by the efforts of those organizing a FUNday for us. When we were first approached about the possibility of a family fundraiser day, we really liked the idea of a 'fun' day with friends and family.  We are soooo looking forward to getting together with everyone and just having a great day, but also to have the opportunity to thank people in person for their cards, emails, messages, support, love and prayers over the last four months.  Hoping to see some of you there!  You can check out the website they have made  - www.waynehummel.ca

And so, even with life's ongoing twists and turns, we can say we are good, standing firm with Faith, Hope and Love surrounding and upholding us.

 

Soaking up some rays, enjoying these sunny days! 

Thought it was time again for another update. Not too much different to tell.  Wayne had his third round of chemo on Monday.  He enjoyed a day and a half of riding the steroid high [he gets steroids the day before and day after chemo to help with side effects - it works well, and he loves the extra energy it gives him!], now the crash begins.  Assuming things go as previously, he feels really rough for the next number of days and slowly starts to pick up again next week.  It's a frustrating week for him, he really hates feeling so crappy, but it helps to know it gets better.
He is halfway through the chemo treatments now, and if they stay on schedule he will have his last treatment the end of May.  Initially the doctor was thinking to do some scans after this treatment, but she has decided since he's tolerating the chemo ok that she'll wait till the full course is done and then check things over. [it would have been nice to know how things are going . . .just another example of God keeping things in His hands, forcing us [me!] to trust more and live with patience and faith].  Wayne does have more bloodwork next week and an appointment with the urologist the beginning of April, it will be interesting to hear what he has to say.  The last time we saw him was a couple of months ago and things weren't looking too good then.  Praying for a little more positive report this time!

On Wayne's good days we have been able to enjoy our time together - he has been able to make it to a few of Brian's hockey games, church, evenings out with friends, and lots of  just simple times together with the kids.  You really learn to appreciate the everyday little moments - sitting together for dinner, sharing stories, laughing, talking/helping each other.

One of Wayne's struggles is trying to figure out his "purpose" now.  A big thing for men, who are very much defined by what they do - their work, their tasks.  He may not see it, but I  see what he is doing now, and I tell him often - he is helping us and so many others.  He is still the head of our home, and helps us daily with his lead - by showing his faith, giving us leadership in decisions, and just being there for and with us.  He has had many friends and family visit and call, and I know he has helped them as well - by being what he has always been -  a good listener, an empathetic friend, an example.  He is missing having the energy to do things, to work, but praying he will see that he is 'working' - in a way he wouldn't have been able to before.
We never know how and who we impact in our daily walk, but it is our prayer that if  anything positive can come of all of this it would be that others will take the time to treasure the blessings in their lives.  Their spouse, their children, their family and friends - cherishing every moment and day as the gift that it is,  making memories together, seeing what's really important in this life and praying a little more.

 With the change in season coming, things are changing here too.  Brian's hockey is almost done, making things a little less busy here, but planning to start soccer in another month!  It seems to be good for him to keep some extra activities - to have some routine.  Vanessa is enjoying her high school co-op placement in the hospital, and her easier semester!  She is having to make some big decisions soon regarding her post secondary education.  As some of you may know, Vanessa is planning on doing her BScn to get her RN.  As offers are coming in now, she's having to make that choice of where to go in the fall.  Normally wouldn't be too hard, but with everything going on here she is having to make some tough decisions of where would be best for her.  Praying for guidance with that for her.  Jessica is going into her last month of her co-op placement.  She has been enjoying her work, and its been so nice to have her home.  She will be going back to school at the beginning of May til the end of August. [but hoping for a good schedule so she can be home more on weekends!]  Lots of things happening, but so thankful to be able to share these moments with them.


So that's where we're at now.  Every day brings its own blessings and challenges, but still thankful for every day together.  Thank you again to everyone, for everything!! 

Praying So Hard!!

I thought of this gem of a picture when I was thinking of what to do for this blog!  This is the most handsome little ring bearer ever - it was from 2013, Brian was in our niece Courtney and Ryan's wedding.  He did a great job, and took it all very seriously, as you can tell by his super concentrated face at the ceremony during the prayer.

Well that's where we're at now again - praying so hard.  Wayne had his second chemo treatment yesterday, doing ok so far, but praying hard for an uneventful next few days and weeks [for a change!].

We want to thank you all again for your continued support, love and prayers.  I feel like I'm repeating myself, but we really have felt 'held up' by you all.  When we stop and think of the last two months and everything we've been dealing with we wonder how we still function, how we're not a blubbering mess - but it is through the strength from you all, and our Loving Father in Heaven.  We recently had a prayer service in our church, there are so many struggling with various issues, and we personally see now more than ever how important the power of prayer is.  So thank you all for that, for being here for us, for everything!

Also, as some of you may know, I am taking a leave from work.  This was a very hard decision for me to come to.  I like to think of myself as being strong, being able to handle it all, but repeatedly I've been shown over the last while that I need to step back and just be here for Wayne and our family.  Hoping this is the right decision at this time, but also thankful that we have this option.  We'd also like to thank all of our co-workers and friends at this time who have so generously helped support us - it has helped us out so much!

So here we are, doing life together.  Thankful for each moment, keenly aware in our minds of the reality of this disease, but also fervently hopeful in our hearts of the opportunity for miracles and the power of prayer!

Time for an update again! 
First we'd like to thank Candra for these beautiful pictures, we are loving going through them!  We usually do portraits every 5 years to coincide with our milestone anniversaries - but thought we'd make an exception this year!  These were taken at our home, the Saturday before Wayne started chemo [hard to believe that was just a week and a half ago - seems like forever]

So time to fill you in on the last week and a half!  Monday Feb 6th Wayne went for his first chemo infusion.  Needless to say, we were nervous about it all.  Our fears were quickly eased when we walked in the chemo lounge to be greeted by our nurses - two dear 'hockey moms'!  Go figure, our hockey family can impact this reality - what a blessing!  We had a great 'visit' together,  and Wayne did great!

We got home, and settled in with no significant side effects, just tired out.  But that was not going to be so simple.  By Thursday Wayne was starting to feel some effects from this nasty cold that has been going around.  I was out to Brian's hockey game Thurs evening, when Vanessa called [Dad's stand in nurse!]  to say he had spiked a fever.  Once again our hockey family stepped up and took care of Brian for me, so I could rush home and get Wayne in to the hospital.  [High fevers, and chemo are not a good thing].  We were once again greeted by many familiar faces in ER, blessed again!  A quick IV start,  lots of IV fluids, blood work, and IV antibiotics and then to wait for the fever to break.  It was the wee hours of the morning before Wayne started feeling a little better, and broke his fever.  His blood work was quite concerning to our oncologist though, she was not expecting such a sudden drop in his white blood cells and neutrophils.  They admitted him so they could keep up the IV antibiotics and keep a close eye on his blood work.  The blood work did not improve, but he was feeling a little better each day - getting his strength back, and being fever free.  We were allowed to go home Monday afternoon, after being sure he could tolerate oral antibiotics and starting an injection to try and increase his white count.

So here we are, home again.  There are still good days [times] and not so good days [times].  It is still a constant roller coaster of  feelings and symptoms - as some of you know, we are not the biggest fans of rides, ready for a little smoother path for a bit!!  But we continue on . . .

The end of February he is still scheduled to meet with the oncologist before doing another chemo treatment [Feb 27th].  She will see how is blood work is, and then decide how to proceed.  She is still concerned about the drop in his blood work, but not wanting to investigate too much further til he is more stable.

We continue to be thankful for all the blessings in our lives - we remain in awe of such love and support. 

Wayne is needing some Vitamin D - thought this picture of our DeBummel family soaking up the rays in Cuba would help!!

I never know how to start these things, so guess I'll just jump right in to it.  As a lot of you know, today was Wayne's blood work/follow up appointment day.  We are happy to say he remained conscious for it all!!  His MRI showed some disc protrusion, but no compression of the spinal cord - good news.  His bloodwork showed that his PSA level has dropped from almost 4000 to 983, our oncologist was hoping/guessing it would be about 1000 [ smart lady!]  She was very happy with that drop, it shows that the hormone treatment he has been on is helping.  Wayne's case has been very concerning to her - his young age, sudden onset and severity of spread, raise many questions.  She has been consulting with several other oncologists/ professors / researchers to see what more can be done.  It is a very aggressive cancer, so with much research and discussion she has decided to offer a series of chemotherapy treatments [as well as continue the hormone therapy], to try and slow the progression down.  The chemo will start Feb 6th, and is done here in Owen Sound.  And then comes the dreaded prognosis - at this time she is saying "I have to say it could be months, but I am really wanting to be optimistic and say a year or more"   -    wow, that's a hard one to officially hear, but we are shooting for the 'more'!

In processing this all again, we still say our God is powerful . . . miracles can happen . . . new treatments can come.    But we also know we have been so very blessed to have each other, and our amazing children - so many wonderful times together - trips we've taken, things we've seen and done together, memories made.  And now we will treasure every new moment that we are given, and "just be".

We have also been blessed beyond our comprehension by all the prayers, love, support and generosity of our amazing friends, co-workers, and family.  Thank you all so very much, we are absolutely humbled. 

Wayne found this picture probably a year ago, and was absolutely taken by the image.  A cloud formation that looks like the hand of God, reaching down, "holding the world".   He immediately showed it to me so I could copy and paste it so we could keep it. -
Well, we hold fast to the fact that the hand of our Father in Heaven is keeping hold of us now.

Today was Wayne's biopsy day, things did not go well.  He started the day off earlier than usual for him lately, and right off the bat he "felt a little off".  We got Brian off to school then headed to the hospital, and made it to the Day Surgery waiting room.  Got settled in there, when Wayne suddenly felt faint, got lots of attention from the awesome nurses there, a brief loss of consciousness [for my nurse peeps, they had the phone in hand to call the code], but he started responding again.  A quick IV and fluid bolus, and his vital signs started to improve.  Dr. Middlebrook decided to go ahead with the biopsy once Wayne stabilized.  We got down for the biopsy, but they were unable to get it - too much pain and spasm, so the doctor decided it best not to proceed, since the risk outweighed the benefit.  If for future treatments they are needing a tissue sample, he will put Wayne under general anesthetic for the procedure.

Definitely not how we planned today to go. 
The plan now is to continue with the meds as we are doing [the biopsy wouldn't have changed any treatment anyways], but now they just won't have as clear of answers as far as aggressiveness of the cancer.  We will be relying on blood work results to determine if the meds are working. 

Wayne is doing ok with this all.  Other than today he has been feeling a little better each day.  Another doctor specializing in pain control was here earlier this week, she was great and very reassuring that there are lots of options out there yet to keep Wayne as pain free and still 'functional' as possible.  She tweaked a few of his meds, and his pain is definitely a little less.  He has also been able to be up more each day, able to sit and visit, work on some model cars with Brian and even sit with us at the dinner table sometimes [amazing how you take for granted these little things, but now are so excited when they happen!]  Our family doctor is coming over next week to check in, and help us with all the paperwork - there's so many things to think about now, my mind can be a little jumbled at times!

Our kids are amazing us everyday, we are so blessed to have such caring and strong children. We have our 'sad' times, and that's okay too, we still have each other and we're going to cherish every moment we have.  Like we keep saying "we've still got some memories to make!"

Thanks again to everyone for everything, there is really too many to list, but know that we hold on dearly to every message, thought, prayer and deed.  The generosity of so many continues to overwhelm us!  A special thank you though to my amazing co-workers, you guys are too much!!!, our dear friends Mike and Deanna, and of course the other half of our 'DeBummel' family - there are no words.

Praying for continued strength for us all, and the ability to trust in God as we continue to take this journey one day at a time.  [gotta say that I struggle with that some days, as most of you know I'm a planner, I'm type A, I need to be in the know and in control - there is nothing planned or organized about this!]

With all our Love and deepest thanks

The full story

Together we stand, united in our love for each other and held together by the love of our family and friends and our Heavenly Father.


Well, we never thought we'd be starting a blog - and definitely never thought we'd be doing it to share this type of news with you all.  As most of you have heard by now, Wayne has been diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer which has already metastasized to his bones and lymph glands.

 I'd say I'll back up now and start at the beginning, but no one really knows when the beginning was.  He has never had any real symptoms of anything related to his prostate.  Around the end of November, he had a bad flu and lost a few pounds with it - nothing unusual.  Around that time as well, he was starting to have more pain in his knees - also nothing unusual for him with his type of work and the change in weather.  Just figured he's getting a little older, and feeling things a little more, so took some more over the counter pain/arthritis meds.  The pain didn't ease up, and started in his hips and back as well - also nothing new for him, so went in to see our amazing neighbor physiotherapist.  That seemed to help for a bit, but soon the pain was becoming unbearable - not able to sleep at night, no appetite, and no energy.  He still continued to work as he was able.  He got in to see a doctor at the after hours clinic, she ordered some better drugs, blood work and x-rays, by this time it was a few days till Christmas.
We received some concerning blood work back on the afternoon of Friday Dec 23rd.  [for my medical professional friends - alk phos was just under 3000].  The dr. wanted an urgent MRI done, but with the holidays that didn't happen.  We knew something was up, but Wayne wanted to wait till after Christmas to go in to the hospital [not that it would have made any difference at that point], and we were able to have Christmas with our family and friends.  The morning of Dec 27th I finally convinced Wayne to let me bring him to emerg - whenever the nurses would ask "what brought you in to emerg today", he would quickly reply "my wife!"  Bloodwork and x-rays done quickly, there was a spot found on one of his ribs, and in the abdomen.  STOP - this is not what we were thinking, this must be wrong!!!
  The staff in emerg were great - so much love and support and tears and hugs, I was so happy that most of the nurses on that day were familiar faces and friends!  Then step in the amazing staff from the floor I work, who quickly arranged for a bed for Wayne on our floor.  As well we were blessed to have one of our most thorough and thoughtful internists take on his case.  Dr Becks quickly assessed him and tried his "best to try and find another reason for all this".  The bone scan and full body cat scan were scheduled for the next day - we tried to pray our hardest for positive results, but prayers were hard to come by with so much going through our minds.  We had lots of prayers going up for us from our family, friends and prayer groups though!
 Unfortunately, good results were not meant to be - the bone scan showed "innumerable sites throughout the skeleton - diffuse metastatic disease with a large tumor burden",  the CT also confirmed this as well as several enlarged lymph nodes in the abdomen.  NO, STOP again, not what we want to hear!!
 We were  quickly able to see Dr Anjum, the oncologist and Dr Middlebrook, the urologist - blessed once again, by two very amazing physicians.  Their kindness and compassion were overwhelming. They assured us that they would do everything they could to make Wayne more comfortable, and get him more time.   The next big step was the PSA results, normal for men would be under 20, our oncologist had said she would be happy to see it under 300 - the next point to send up prayers for.  We received the results the next day, Wayne's PSA was just under 4000 - OK, NO MORE, this is too much!!!   We were bracing for the doctors to say go home and get your affairs in order.  no, this can't be real.  
All the medical professionals stepped in very quickly.  He started treatment even before the PSA came back.  He is on an oral anti neoplastic pill which will hopefully slow the progress of the cancer, and they assured him it would help him feel much better too. [ Surgery, radiation or chemo are not an option at this point of the disease process.] They got prescriptions started to cover any anticipated side effect / symptom he would have, so that we could get home and keep him comfortable.  Our dietician gave us lots of instruction and samples to try and get his weight and strength back up [by then he had lost 20 lbs.].  Social work spoke with us, and Dr Huff was consulted to pain management/control.  And needless to say we were surrounded by the love, support and hugs from all our friends on my unit [Being there almost 20 years, Wayne has gotten to know quite a few of my amazing co-workers too!] 
We were also extremely blessed to have our niece Rachel Heyns come and help us with how to tell our children [especially Brian - how do you tell your 9 year old son his Dad has cancer that they can't fix].  Rachel is a 'child life specialist' that works with sick children at McMaster hospital, we were soooo blessed by her insight and faith, words cannot express how thankful we are for her help.
We made it home Friday Dec 30th, it was very hard on Wayne - still in pain, and generally feeling like crap, but it was so good to be home all together.  That evening when Wayne was feeling better we sat the kids down and had our talk [with Rachel's help].  As hard as it was, we did feel a certain peace afterwards.  Brian's reaction was as expected, not able to process much of it.  Rachel assured us this was normal for his age, and he will process things in little bits in his own time. 

So here we are now, one day at a time.  Wayne wakes up every morning, smiles at me and says "another day together".  He is having less pain, only needing breakthrough meds a couple times a day.  He is trying his best to eat lots of calorie/protein rich food [but unfortunately is still losing weight].  He rests lots, but is up sitting more that a couple days ago!  We are trying to keep things as normal as possible for our amazing children.  Its been good to have them all home this week yet, thankful for that.  Brian has a wonderful group of school friends/ hockey gang/cousins, who have been keeping him entertained!  Our girls are also blessed to have such close family/friends/cousins/boyfriends to support them as well.  Jessica is home now from college for a 4 month co-op term, another thing we are thankful for.  Vanessa is finishing off her extremely heavy semester this month, praying things go smoothly for her the next couple weeks, than her work load will be a little better too.

We wanted to do this 'blog' thing to keep you all 'in the loop' with where we're at, but also to let you know what prayer needs we have.  The doctors are holding off on any type of prognosis till they have a few more results.  Wayne does have to go for a biopsy of the prostate yet - it will not change any treatment, but will "grade" the cancer, giving them more of an idea for prognosis.  As well, we have a follow up appointment and blood work Jan 27. The results of the blood work will let us know if the treatment is working or not.  Definitely praying hard for positive results for those two tests!  Pray for continued strength and pain control for Wayne, and for a peace that only God can give.  Also we ask that you lift up our children, Wayne's parents and siblings, and our extended family as we all deal with this new reality.  Some times we can be so strong, and smile and laugh together and sometimes this horrible, harsh reality hits and the tears flow and the stomach knots up - praying for that peace for us all.

Above all, we wanted to write this to say our thanks.  We are completely overwhelmed by the love and support from so many people.  Our hearts and freezer and cupboards runneth over!!  I know I have appreciated each meal [I always have said my favorite meal is one I don't cook! :P]. Every note/message/email fills our hearts, even though we may not respond to each one, just know how much we appreciate hearing from you all.  We have been so blessed from so many - our family, and extended family, friends, neighbors, our co-workers and employers,  and church family - thank you all so much.

We'll keep trying to keep you posted.

With all our love,
Wayne and Brenda
Jessica, Vanessa and Brian